Sunday, June 15, 2014

Glutards, lactards, and vacctards......

The continuing tale of mindfuck bullshit food "allergies":

Back in the Silver Jones era....many of the "cool" people were "allergic" or "sensitive" to "sulfites".  Bacon?  Bad.  Ham? Bad.  Red wine of any kind? Bad.  Sulfites. All of the coolios drank Cakebread Chardonnay.....and they were usually the same folk that got to go into the master suite at the party that was another couple of hundred bucks.  Good for us.....cocaine=low food cost.

Now....these exact same folks are lactards and are gluten free.  What?  The cocaine?  The Cakebread Chardonnay? 

We just finished our dinner party for 16 with four glutards, one lactard, one shellfish....and a late arriving butter hater who is also a glutard.  Fine.

We rallied and invented a new version of our Meyer lemon polenta pound cake that has no wheat flour.  We used ground almonds.....buttermilk....but basically still a genoise.  A genoise so heavy with the corn, and so non-bubbly flat with the lack of gluten fibres to trap the CO2 that you could throw it at a burglar.  But....not horrible.  Crunchy.  Glutards have great teeth.

Turns out that there were only two glutards.....both young mothers with babies.  Our hostess....a woman with a sense of humor that would stop George Carlin in his tracks....or at least slow him down....was somehow browbeaten by these two young women to tweak her entire party and menu in their direction.  One was married to the lactard.  He was actually a real one.  Lactaid can't compete.....over it.

Turns out that neither Mom has any personal allergy herself.....they both are just avoiding eating any foods that to which their babies might become allergic.

The semi-killer Meyer Lemon Polenta/Almond Pound Cake?  Fuck you!  It has EGGS!  And BUTTER!

We foolishly served our Dino kale salad with the Asian dressing....sesame, etc.  Each serving has about a gram of soy sauce.  My research on all the batshit crazy gluten sites tells me that the gluten proteins are so degraded in the production of soy that it is a non-issue.  Further, my research tells me that especially Korean Korean soy is by nature wheat-free.  Our soy comes from Han Kook Market.  There is no English on the label.....and I am learning Korean.  Wheat is not mentioned.

Trauma ensued when we served our kale salad.  One mom ate it after I gave her the science....the other did not.   Meanwhile.....the other 18 guests (hostess lied to us) had their entire menu and experience tweaked around these two chicks.

At dessert....both moms refused my new cake.  Because it had eggs.  And butter.  They are worried that their kids would become allergic to eggs and butter if their moms ate some while breast feeding.

In 1982 I had a client with dual US/Mexican nationality.  More money than God...his dad, uncle, grandpa, great grandpa had all been the dentists to the Presidents of Mexico.  He himself was the head of sales and operations for Mosler Safe for all of Mexico.

I spent all summer, every morning combing the markets in whichever town I found myself for stuff for breakfast, lunch, dinner.  Basically 5am....because in Mexico, the refrigeration is sketchy. My son Brendan came along...18 months.  I would drop him off at the first abuela I found in whichever market....and come back and track him down two hours later after I finished my shopping.  Couldn't happen now.  Brendan would be passed from granny to granny....in all the markets of Mexico.  Goat heads, weird night soil fertilized squashes and herbs, shellfish from sketchy coastal waters, delicious berries....also nightsoil fertilized.  Tortillas....corn and wheat.  Cheeses....goat, sheep, cow....mostly raw milk.  Thirty years later.....he is a lactard, but that is it.  We all are.......Lact-Aid deals with it.

The worst part of this story:  after making all of the cooks jump through hoops, and their fellow guests, and giving out weird conflicting information about their "problems", and ensuring that they were the center of attention....and making sure that the caterers threw out half the desserts we had worked all day to make because of their concerns....

NEITHER OF THEM HAVE HAD THEIR BABIES VACCINATED!

Fuck me.  Kill me. 

Rich, "smart" people believe this shit.

I would rather be in a Roman galley....rowing, not cooking.

Ramming speed........

1 Comments:

Blogger Paintqueen and Dynamite said...

OMG… You Nailed it…. For some strange reason I find myself trying to cook gluten free shit for my friends that have suddenly become "gluten intolerant" Where the hell did this shit come from? My guess is that half of them spent so many years not eating real food and stuffed themselves with so much processed crap that they screwed up their systems AND/OR they are just sheeple following stupid propaganda "health" trends and have NO actual knowledge of wheat protein or synthesis …Ha Ha .Love your blog!

9:43 PM  

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